


which stage of grief is 'crying over wooden ducks' again?

by RaineyDay



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [16]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mentioned Angus McDonald, Rated T for language, Time Travel, Time Travel Break-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Febuwhump alternate prompt: time travel.Taako had already gotten his happy ending. He didn't appreciate having it stolen from him.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Lucretia & Lup & Taako, IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew & Taako, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Taako
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138502
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	which stage of grief is 'crying over wooden ducks' again?

He missed Angus.

It was a bit of a non sequitur. There was no reason to be thinking about Angus at all. Nothing the little squirt do to help this situation, nothing that would particularly excite or upset the kid, nothing that should have reminded him of the one-time existence of the brat in his life.

But he missed him anyway.

That's what happened when you missed somebody. Everything reminded you of them, even things that had no right to, just because the loss was already on your mind.

It seemed like Angus was constantly on Taako's mind recently. Him or Kravitz, and sometimes both of them at once.

He missed his family.

Even the family members that he did still have, he missed.

Because he still had Lup and Barry and Magnus and Merle and Davenport and Lucretia, but they weren't the same. They didn't know all the things that he knew.

Taako didn't know what was going on. It was clearly some kind of time fuckery- nothing to do with memory loss, as he had feared at first.

That didn’t make any sense as an explanation anyway. They had all drank the ichor by the point he’d been at, of course, so why would only he remember?

Besides which, he could feel it in their bonds and interactions. These versions of his family hadn’t lived through what he had. Even lost memories still had an influence on bonds.

The bonds between these versions of his family were purer- but also weaker. They were still pretty strong, all things considered. But his had been stronger.

And they weren’t broken, exactly, but they were hurting. His relationships with them felt so much emptier than the relationship he had with the family he’d been through everything with.

And he was pulling away from them because of it, and it wasn’t fair, and it was hurting them, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it.

Because he was too busy grieving, and none of them understood. He couldn’t tell them. Had tried, but didn’t know the right words to say. How was he supposed to explain his grief for his family in a way that wouldn’t push away the remnants of that family that remained?

He needed his crew to stick by him, or he would lose it.

Kravitz and Angus were _gone_. And it felt like his heart had been carved out of his chest. He missed them so much. He hadn’t expected to ever lose Kravitz. Even if their relationship went south or something, he’d still be out there, not exactly alive but existing and real.

And he hadn’t even begun preparing himself to lose Angus. He’d known it would happen eventually- horrible, short human lifespans and all- but Angus had just been a kid. He wasn’t supposed to lose him yet.

And maybe he could get them back, someday. When they cycled back to Faerun again. Could even avoid all the bad shit now that he knew everything. He knew the pros and cons of both plans they’d come up with, and he could present a ‘best-of-both-worlds’ alternate approach. He knew how to defeat the Hunger now, and that was- it was really good.

But he’d still have lost _his_ Angus and Kravitz. These versions wouldn’t have been through the stuff his versions had. They’d be the same shadows of his family that this crew were. Better than nothing, he guessed, but far from the happy ending that he’d thought he’d secured.

He wanted the comfort of his family. He was his sister to hug him and to let himself cry in safety. To be reassured by the steady presence of the people who loved him and who he loved. But they couldn’t offer the solution that he was really looking for, which was just to have everyone back.

He didn’t hate the idea of repeating this shit and having a do-over to stop the Hunger without devastating Faerun and destroying his family first, if he was being honest.

He just didn’t want to have to do it alone.

-

They all knew that something had happened to Taako, but they didn't know what. He refused to tell them, no matter how much they prodded or pleaded.

They weren't stupid, and they picked up things here or there that gave them some hints as to Taako's emotional state and what tended to make it worse.

He had been isolating himself and acting distant and uncaring a lot, which wasn't uncommon for Taako in terms of coping mechanisms, but he didn't usually do it to _them_. Not to Lup, never to Lup, and not to the rest of them either, for the past few decades, at least.

That made it a lot more difficult to figure out how to handle him at the moment.

Magnus had been the one to get closest to an emotional breakthrough. After they'd all realized that Taako was coping differently than usual, and their usual comfort methods weren't working as well, he'd been the first and the most successful at applying new methods.

He'd gotten the idea from Lucretia, in a way. Magnus had always been good at drawing Lucretia out when she would retreat into her own mind, losing track of time and of the people who loved her and thinking and strategizing endlessly. Magnus had figured out how to draw her out of that shell and bring her back to herself, getting her to laugh and to speak and to cry again, instead of withdrawing into herself.

Lucretia's empty distance wasn't the same as Taako's aloof coldness in terms of coping mechanisms, but there were similarities.

And with the usually 'help Taako' strategies exhausted, Magnus had figured that it couldn't hurt to try dipping into some other familiar strategies.

He'd started to just sit with Taako, quietly, while doing something of his own- like carving ducks for Fischer- something that didn't require him to be in movement or to make much noise.

And when Taako grew comfortable with that presence, he'd started to Taako. Meaningless babble, soft but warm, nothing that was important. If Taako zoned out and stopped listening, Magnus wouldn't say anything, would re-explain later if it came up again. Just providing a background track of comfort to Taako's spiraling thoughts.

After a few days of that, Taako had started to talk back, but he hadn't said anything that Magnus understood all that well. He'd spoken with the others about it, carefully, not wanting to betray the trust that Taako had shown in him to speak about it at all, but from his cautious probing and small reveals, it didn't seem like anyone else understood it either. It was still good that he'd tried, everyone agreed, even if it was disappointing that it hadn't gone anywhere.

They'd all been trying since then. Using a combination of Mags' strategy and other new techniques, and it seemed to be working a little, as Taako relaxed more in their presence again.

The common area had rarely experienced such calm in all the years that they'd been on this journey as it had this cycle. They still joked around; it wasn't silent and unhappy like in the cycles where things were very hard and they experienced too many losses to keep their spirits up. But it was calm- less boisterous than usual for this family.

It wasn't a bad thing, necessarily. It was just that, with Taako so withdrawn, it left them feeling off balance. No one wanted to break the tentative rebuilding of their bonds by being careless, even if they didn't understand what had damaged them in the first place.

In fact, they were quiet and careful especially because they didn't understand the problem. It was easier to say something insensitive that make startle Taako like a frightened animal when they weren't being careful.

But things had been looking up recently and so Magnus was feeling happy. He was pleased with his results. Things were taking a turn for the positive, and so he'd taken a risk. Turned on a show from some local network that had turned out to be absolutely terrible, but kind of hilarious at the same time. It was rare that they were able to watch movies or television anymore, since they hadn't brought a lot of that stuff along with them, and getting more required that whatever plane they were on be technologically advanced enough to have stuff like that and for them to actually be able to get a copy of it that they could playback in anyway.

Taako had spent the evening in his room, curled up and unwilling to leave, which was disappointing, but the rest of them had spent hours having a fun time watching mindless television and mocking it while simultaneously getting kind of invested.

It had been really, really nice, especially after spending so much of this cycle walking on eggshells to avoid a problem that they didn't even understand.

So Magnus had grown especially fond of the silly thing. The premise was dumb as hell, but had made him laugh when he'd first seen it, and the others had lit up with the chance to mock Magnus as well as the show itself. Magnus didn't care- they could mock all the wanted.

He'd decided to play into it, since it was such a perfect coincidence anyway, and had started a little carving of the main character. The duck body was the easiest part, given how many times he'd done it by now, and that was comforting in it's familiarity before he started on the finer details that would differentiate this duck from the many others that he'd made over the years.

It had made the others smile to see it, and that made Magnus happy.

When evening came around, they were back in the common area, but this time they were all quiet again, doing their own thing, just enjoying the comforting ambient noises of their family members existing.

Taako seemed almost apologetic for his absence the other day, as evidenced by both his presence from early on in the evening and the fact that he was actually talking to all of them.

"What'cha making, Maggie?" he asked, and Magnus lit up, excited to show him his work, as he always was when a family member showed an interest in the things he made.

"Oh! There's this show we watched, and I- I've made so many different ducks already, I wanted to try something new, so- this is Ducktective!" Magnus said, plopping next to Taako and shoving the duck in his face for him to see.

Taako tensed a little bit as Magnus sat beside him, but Magnus ignored it, justifying it as Taako not wanting to be bounced and jostled around too much by Magnus' larger form.

"He's a duck detective!" Magnus explained, and pointed out the special details he'd accomplished so far. "See, he's got a little magnifying glass, and I'm thinking of-"

He stopped talking suddenly as, with no explanation or warning, Taako burst into tears.

Magnus shot a helpless glance around at everyone else as he dropped the duck to wrap his arms around Taako in comfort. The rest of them looked just as confused, which was not helped by the fact that as soon as the duck carving landed, Taako grabbed it and clutched it to his chest greedily.

"Be careful! I haven't finished it yet," Magnus warned, for lack of anything better to say.

Taako didn't say anything, just turning his face into Magnus' body to hide his embarrassment as everyone else broke out of their shock enough to come over and crowd around them in comfort.

"Do you want to keep that one? When I'm done with it?" Magnus offered. He didn't understand why he would- why Taako had been so upset by the carving and yet held it so close and gentle, but it seemed to be the thing to offer.

"I want Angus back!" Taako wailed, to the immediate confusion and relief of everyone else. They didn't know who that was or how Taako knew them, but finally they'd had a breakthrough. Taako was grieving someone named Angus.

"Who?" Lup asked, climbing behind Taako on the side where Magnus wasn't to wrap her arms around her brother and lean comfortingly against his back.

Taako didn't seem to know what to say to that, just shaking his head.

"Was Angus someone you met on the last plane?" Barry asked, the most logical explanation, even if they hadn't seen an indication that Taako had befriended anyone on the last plane, let alone cared about them this much.

Taako shook his head again.

"Time travel fuckery," was all he offered. Which made absolutely no sense.

"Taako, what are you talking about?" Davenport asked, gently.

"I don't know! That's why I said fuckery!" Taako said, pulling his head out of Magnus' chest to shoot a glare at everyone. He was way too much of a mess for them to be really be worried about it though, with his makeup running and tears still leaking out of his eyes.

"You're saying- that you traveled in time?" Barry asked, incredulous and skeptical. "How would that even-"

"Fuckin' magic! Or science! Whatever the hell, I don't know, I don't care, I just know it happened. I've lived this stupid cycle before, and a whole bunch more," Taako said, exhaustion threading his words.

It wasn't a very likely excuse. But it also wasn't the weirdest thing to happen to them. They traveled through the planes on a ship powered by love magic, and that love magic also rebuilt their bodies every year. Of course it wasn't the weirdest thing they'd ever heard.

And it would explain why Taako had been acting so weird in a way that nothing else had so far.

Didn't necessarily mean it was true. Didn't rule out the possibility that something else had happened to mess up Taako's perception or memories or something that made him draw the wrong conclusion somehow.

But Taako sure seemed to believe it. And they could worry about proving it one or the other later, when they were all a little calmer.

Right now, the important thing was that Taako was devastated and grieving, and he'd finally given them enough to work with that they could try to actually comfort him.

"Tell us about Angus?" Magnus asked, unsure if Taako would even want to, but hoping that it would help.

"He's this dumb brat detective kid," Taako said, a fond smile spreading over his face regardless of the insults in his words. "He was such a nerd, always calling everybody 'sir' and 'miss' all the time. He's secretly a little shit though, underneath it. Crazy smart and perceptive. Loves this book series about a kid detective, which is crazy because he is a detective. You don't need to read about that, it's your life."

As Taako spoke, no one commented on the impossibility of his words, or the way that Taako seemed to jump back and forth between using past and present tense to talk about the kid. They just let him ramble, taking in the obvious affection that Taako felt for the kid he was describing.

"How'd you meet him?" Merle asked, soft, when Taako trailed off, looking like he was about to start crying all over again.

"Ah, some dumb train mystery bullshit," Taako waved a hand dismissively. "This shitty wizard was killing people and stealing their most expensive stuff. He was a fuckin' moron, but he kept it up for a while. Ango was hired to catch him."

"Wait, I thought you said he was a kid," Lucretia said, sounding alarmed. She immediately winced after she spoke, presumably afraid that questioning Taako's perception of events would break the moment somehow.

"Yeah, he's _that_ good," Taako said, sounding almost proud. "Anyway, I met him later, and he wanted to learn magic, and I was bored and maybe felt bad for stealing his family heirloom or whatever-"

"Wait, you what?" Davenport asked, but Taako averted his eyes and keep moving along to the next words.

"So I showed him some stuff. He- he's my precious magic boy," Taako said, and his voice just _broke,_ and he ducked his head down to the duck that was practically cradled in his arms.

It was kind of difficult for everyone to hug Taako while they were on the couch, so Magnus took advantage of the fact that he was already holding onto him to slide them both onto the floor for a comforting group hug, which Taako struggled against for a second, insisting that he was fine and that this was stupid anyway before he seemed to accept that he wasn't get out of it, at which point he cried again, so silent that Magnus might not have noticed if not for their proximity and the fact that Taako was shaking like a leaf with the force of it.

"Gods, babe, I'm sorry," Lup offered, and Taako turned to her and clung to her tightly, the duck squeezed between their bodies in a way that had to be uncomfortable, but neither complained.

Taako let them hold onto them until he cried himself out, at which point he started squirming and pushing them off him, desperate to regain some semblance of aloofness.

Taako shoved the duck back into Magnus' hands as he stood, wrinkling his nose at it as if he didn't care at all about it.

He held Lup's hand as she took him back to his room, and she signaled her intent to stay with him tonight to Barry as she left.

The rest of them sat in silence for a moment, before the rest of them started discussing possible explanations for that, and how to test if Taako was right or wrong about the events that he felt had taken place.

Magnus didn't feel like he had anything to offer in that discussion, not very aware of or interested in the whys and hows of the situation, just letting their voices wash over him in a familiar blend of noise and comfort.

He fiddled with the duck and with his tools, mentally redesigning the duck to take out the features he had planned that were more appropriate for the character it had started off as, keeping the magnifying glass only.

He didn't know enough about this kid to design a duck specifically based on him, but the magnifying glass was already there and seemed detective-y enough. It had certainly affected Taako, even without being more specific.

It wouldn't take much time to finish the carving and seal it with the simpler design in place.

When Lup and Taako left the room the next morning to make breakfast, they were greeted by the sight of a carved duck with a magnifying glass and the name "Angus" carved within a heart on the bottom.

**Author's Note:**

> Putting jokes and genuine emotions together in one story, like a true TAZ fan should. Catch that Gravity Falls reference. In my head, they figure it out and get Taako back when he's supposed to be, just not yet.


End file.
